When I was a young girl playing with my dolls and having pretend tea parties, I always had the thought of having children of my own. I knew I would have a boy first and then a girl so that the girl would have an older brother to protect her and play with her; just like my older brother did for me. As I grew into a teenager, my thoughts became dreams and then became plans on having my own children. When the time came for the relationship that produces children, it didn’t work out like I thought. The man whom I thought I would marry turned out to be abusive and he could not produce children. After living in sin with him I felt like I had to stay with him forever because that was what I was taught being raised so strict. After all God’s way is to get married, have children and remain with the same spouse for life, right?
I remember sitting on my porch and crying without end because I would never hear a little child call me mommy or feel their little arms around my neck pulling my hair. It was a time in my life I will never forget because I felt like I was dying to those hopes and dreams. After that relationship continued to be violent, I ran away and moved to Kentucky. A person would think the dream would revive but it didn’t. I fell in love with another man who never wanted children and since I had already resolved myself to the idea, it was okay with me.
I am older now, I look back at my life, not regretting not having kids, but wondering what they would look like and what would they be doing now and how would I be different as a person. My husband, Louie and I are in jail and prison ministry and hang out with some really awesome people. One of them being Sylvia Pearce; she told me once that I was a mom, but I didn’t believe her until recently. It was God who had to show me and make it real in my life and that is exactly what He did.
This past weekend, while at a mini-conference at Brian and Tandy Coatney’s house, with Sylvia and Brett Burrows teaching; God impregnated me with the truth about me being a spiritual mom. On Sunday I received a text from a good friend of mine who I met in jail and God changed her into a new creation. I had to read it out loud to Louie because I couldn’t believe what it said. She said “thank you for being my spiritual mother.” From that moment on, being a spiritual mom has been quickened and made alive in me. The Lord gave me a poem I want to share with you:
Childless, they call me mom
While from this body I have not conceived,
From heaven, many children I have received.
There have been sacrifices I have made,
Not a big deal, because they were for your sake.
A mothers’ spit is powerful enough to clean your face,
So is your sin removed by God’s amazing grace.
As a mom, I encourage you, discipline and hold you,
I also teach you, comfort you and feel the things you do.
I can love you with the same love that Jesus loves me,
So that you can be destined for greatness like you’re meant to be.
Life’s lessons are hard to learn,
That’s how we go through life to discern
I have seen how far you have come.
I have seen your mistakes, but remember none.
I love you now and forever and outside of time,
God gave you to me as a child of mine.
I too now know what the Apostle Paul meant when He wrote the Galatians saying, “my little children, of whom I travail in birth again until Christ be formed in you.” Galatians 4:19
Have you ever had an experience and said afterward, “I never want to lose this feeling?” Well, I am here to thank God for the experience I had and I want to tell you it is not a feeling. For the past five years we have attended the God Unlimited Enrichment weekend in Louisville, Ky., with our friends, Brian and Tandy Coatney, at the home of Scott and Sylvia Pearce. The first year we went, my husband and I didn’t think we would be back. It seemed like everyone was saying the same thing in a different way, and although that was true, it would prove an attraction for us in the future. Every year has its own precious jewels that develop into life changing lifestyles.
This year is no different. Some of the same people were there and even the same things were said over and over, but there was one particular difference. It was me. I am different, and I feel like my life has changed forever. It’s one of those pivotal moments you can put your finger on. I must interject, that there was a series of events that lead up to this life-changing experience. One of the elements included suffering, then perseverance, and it was all upheld by faith in Jesus Christ, the Savior of the Universe, which, by the way, lives inside me.
It would be hard to explain to you what it means to be loved with an unconditional, everlasting love if you have never experienced Him. Being loved by Jesus is the touch of love, “I can’t touch you without being touched by you,” said Alan Parker. Love is the greatest gift you can give to another, but please remember that God is love. He gives of Himself to others, He is a poured out life so others can live. It was never about how much we love Him, because we have no power within ourselves to love others unless it’s with His love.
As my husband and I wrapped up in a blanket on the cold Friday afternoon under the tent at the conference, we saw a distinguished man and his older son walking up “Mimi’s Way,” which is a cobblestone walkway which leads to the back of the Pearce’s house in memory of our dear Mimi Anderson. “Who is that, do you think?” I said to Louie. “I think that is Alan Parker,” he replied. I kept an eye on him trying to make sure that was him. I had been looking forward to meeting Alan Parker ever since I read “THE CROSS IN THE HEART OF GOD” booklet. Let me quote the introduction of this booklet and see if it does to you, what it did for me: “This is written for those people who want to receive the truth, for only they are going to posses the Kingdom of God. This is written for seekers. These writings have nothing to say to those who are wise in the wisdom of the world.”
Later on that evening Alan gave a talk that lasted almost 3 hours. I got as close as I could and listened by sitting at the edge of my seat. I wanted to absorb everything he had to say because I know he speaks the truth of God. I admire this man and wanted to know everything he knew. I am not sure what draws me to his teachings, but I hung on to every word. The next day, Alan spoke again, this time not as long. He talked about Hebrews 4:12, He said the Word is alive, conscious, and it knows and it’s energy. The word of faith is God’s faith, not ours. He said, “Do you know why the word of faith has no doubt? That’s because it’s His faith, His word, His life, the life of the Son. He continued to say, “You can never be Christ, but He can be you.”
Alan quoted the passage of James 1:5 which says, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God that giveth to all men liberally, without doubt and it will be given.” Alan asked if anyone wanted Wisdom, to come up front and ask without doubting. I said to Louie, “Come on, let’s go.” I told him I wanted Wisdom, so I ran up there. I was third in line. After Alan prayed with the first person, he knew it would take too long to pray individually, so we all stood in a giant circle and prayed in our own voices and asked for Wisdom. Guess what, the Spirit of Wisdom penetrated my inner being and I knew it. I started getting filled up, tears ran down my face and I began to giggle from way down deep inside, my breathing started to accelerate and I felt dizzy, but Louie was close by and I grabbed him and said, “don’t let me go.” I knew something supernatural happened to me. I felt like running, but I couldn’t leave. I can’t say I understand everything that happened to me, but what I do know is Wisdom has been here all along, I just didn’t hear from her (Proverbs 8:1 tells us she is wisdom). The first part of Proverbs 2 tells us seek her, wisdom, verse 4, “if you seek her as silver and search for her as for hidden treasures.” I desired her and sought after her and found her. God has opened my eyes to understanding and I have become more sensitive to the Spirit of the Lord.
Since this time, I feel humbled by His love and hear Him more than ever before. I am looking forward to my new life in Christ as He lives in me as me. Thank you, Jesus for loving me so much and for giving me opportunities to be a life poured out for you and to invest and have you change lives through me. The branch never takes credit for producing the fruit, we bear the fruit. Others see this fruit and are drawn to it, they take the fruit and it is Jesus. He is a person to experience not something simply to obtain. We have no power by ourselves, but are a vessel that He works in and through. I asked for the Spirit of Wisdom to live in me and that is why she (Wisdom) is a person and not a feeling. Wisdom and understanding now are in me always, never leaving me, but changing me from glory to glory forevermore.